In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

By George Simon, Jr, Ph.D

Does a cat prey on a mouse because the cat has some unresolved issues from the past, or is a victim of abuse, or the mouse has antagonized it and it’s responding in self-defence? If the mouse is the victim, imagine if help and support is given to the cat while the mouse is told to look at the cat’s virtues. Sounds preposterous? Well, such predators lurk in families, workplaces and yes, churches and they are experts at pulling the wool over the eyes of those around them and taking them in. While it is much easier to recognize aggressive behaviour when it's 'open, direct and physical', it's much harder to put a finger on the tactics of covert-aggression.

This book makes a distinction between assertive and aggressive behaviour, and between victim and victimizer where conventional thinking tends to focus only on overt behaviour and overlook under-handed manipulation that hoodwinks victims and people around.

If you feel that you are always defending the goodness of someone’s actions and intentions while feeling helpless and oppressed inside, or if you’re always second-guessing yourself to uphold the integrity of another person in your life - read this book.

There are some professions and places that attract covertly manipulative people including counselling and church work because they can hide behind the mask of nobility of the organisation’s mission.

This book addresses covert-aggression which the author believes is ‘at the heart of most interpersonal manipulation.’ He describes the covert-aggressive individual as one who is conscious of ‘concealing overt displays of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into backing-off, backing-down, or giving-in. These covert-aggressive personalities can have their way with you and look good in the process. They vary in their degree of ruthlessness and character pathology.’

The victim feels stifled and choked but can’t put a finger on anything to identify the crime. The end result is a feeling of worthlessness and helplessness. To me, it's not much different from what victims of abuse go through both with the abuser and with those who try to help. The author’s argument for a new psychological perspective on this personality dysfunction stems from the failure of mental health professionals and lay persons to recognize the aggressive agendas and actions for what they really are. According to him, this is largely attributed to the belief that 'people only exhibit problem behaviours when they’re “troubled” inside or anxious about something ...that people aggress only when they’re attacked in some way. So, even when our gut tells us that somebody is attacking us and for no good reason, or merely trying to overpower us, we don’t readily accept the notions. We try to analyze the situation to death instead of simply responding to the attack.’ As a result, the victim leaves and nobody really knows the real reason.

Where you can get it: S$28.15 Kinokuniya

Level of impact: A must-read for all.

Timing of book: Impeccable

THE WOUNDED HEALER & IN THE NAME OF JESUS

by Henri J M Nouwen

Nouwen introduces two personas in this book: Firstly, the concept of the Nuclear Man in the first chapter, 'Ministry in a Dislocated World', described as one who is 'confronted not only with incredible ingenuity that can build dams, change riverbeds and create fertile new lands, but also with earthquakes, floods and tornadoes that can ruin in one hour more than man can build in a generation. A man confronted with all this and tring to make sense of it cannot possibly decieve himself with one idea, concept, or thought system which could bring these contrasting images together into one consistent outlook on life.' The Nuclear Man does not apply Scriptures as philosophy to extenuate the complex issues of the world outside and within himself, yet his life is not alienated from the world and people around him. He offers reconciliation to reality that eludes many believers who live contentiously with the world around them. 

Secondly, Nouwen introduces the persona of the Wounded Healer in the last chapter, 'Ministry by a Lonely Minister'. He writes as one who is a familiar friend to loneliness - a word often regarded as taboo even in Christian circles. 'Perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to trasncend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain. When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel, too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge - that no love or friendship, no inTimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, no man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition. This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence. Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our expreiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home. Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolutistic expectations.'

I picked the companionship of this book at a time I'm beginning to see that people around me deal with loneliness in as different and bizarre ways as they deal with hunger pangs. Loneliness, like hunger, is a neutral stimuli and its onset can be shocking to one unfamiliar with it at first. To me, loneliness may be something painful to acknowledge but it is not a disease nor necesassarily an indication of a deficiency. Like pregnancy and childbirth that makes me a stranger in my own body, loneliness is but a course in the journey of my life to be experienced in all its fullness, with the potential to bring forth new life.

Level of impact: Helps me find not the foe, but the friend in loneliness, and helps me recognise those who flee from it and those who find God through it.

IN THE NAME OF JESUS
by Henri J M Nouwen

Having recently gone through gut lavage for another round of colonoscopy, I am strangely drawn to books that challenge pre-existing limitations in my outlook. Perhaps the lavage cleared hindsights! Maturity has a way of setting its own authority on what you will accept and what not, but Nouwen challenged this condition in maturing leaders through John 21:18:

"In all truth I tell you
When you were young
you put on your belt
and walked where you liked;
but when you grow old
you will stretch out your hands
and somebody else will put a belt around you
and take you where you would rather not go."

He wrote: 'Jesus has a different vision of maturity: It is the ability and willingness to be led where you would rather not go. Immediately after Peter has been commissioned to be a leader of His sheep, Jesus confronts him with the hard truth that the servant-leader is the leader who is being led to unknown, undesireable, and painful places.' yet '...the downward-moving way of Jesus is the way to the joy and peace of God, a joy and peace that is not of this world.'

This is, of course, written by a man qualified through the process of being called by God, plucked out from raising leaders among the intellectuals in Harvard and plunged into a community of intellectually-challenged residents at L'Arche where thrown off himself, Nouwen had to throw out all learned skills in ministry, life and relationships to find much more in a place of severe limitations!

This little book is divided into three segments:

From Relevance to Prayer

     Deals with the temptation to be purely relevant, the question of 'Do you love Me?', and the discipline of contemplative prayer.

From Popularity to Ministry

     Deals with the tempation to be spectacular, the task to 'Feed My Sheep', and the discipline of confession and forgiveness.

From Leading to Being Led

     Deals with the temptation to be powerful, the challenge that 'Somebody Else Will Take You', and the discipline of theological reflection.

Where you can get these books: S$5-10 SKS Books [Indian print]

Level of impact: I like the reminder to set aside my personality, opinions, experience and preferences to effectuate what is important to God in the simple moments as well as complex situations of life.

LEADING ON EMPTY

by Wayne Cordeiro

Anyone knows that a car does not recharge itself by the mileage it accumulates, by the beauty of places it's been to, by its brand of make, or by the reputation of the passengers it carries. Why then do leaders go about as though being immersed in incessant rounds of meeting, recounting previous successes, or garnering reputation and accolades will fill the tank of their soul anymore than car draw fuel from mileage, destinations or its good name?

Wayne Cordiero himself suffered burnout and survived to warn others before it's too late. He wrote: "During this winter season, the only things I had to hold on to were the disciplines I had already built into my life. In the same way, when you go through dark seasons, you will be restricted by, or released to, what has already been established within you soul." It's so true that we need to build good habits when we have the luxury of time, for when life situation changes and we face time crunches that work against us, we won't have any good habits to fall back on.

Naturally, he homes in on tell-tale signs of early burnout or depression that would elicit either tears of laughter or sobs of sobriety. He also recommends a good dose of solitude and R&R in the life of a leader. In the chapter on Solitary Refinement - Miles without Maintenance, he pointed out from Matthew 26:11 "You will always have the poor among you" on the reality that there will always be some issues that may never be resolved, no matter how hard we try. It then becomes important to really settle in our souls what each of us would actually be held accountable for in our lives. Thus, the importance of examining ordinary concerns vs true responsiblities.

Cordiero is a much-needed voice in the startling silence on the need for silence and solitude in a believer's life. "Silence and solitude can renew and replenish a soul in drought." I see that believers are in drought more often than we admit or take time to discover.

I like the REFLECTIONS that come at the end of each chapter which is a short testimony of a pastor or leader who has come out of the woods to share about their own depression or burnout.

Chapter 6 "Finding the Still Waters" is a precious read and reminder to all in leadership to consider factors that would enhance our shelf lives and those that deplete it.

I begin to see a large sphere of Meaningful Things To Do in my life. Within this is a smaller circle of Necessary Things To Do, and within this, a smaller subset of Crucial Things To Do which is the sustenance of myself. Afterall, can a plane fly safely without the pilot able to make good judgments?

In Chapter 10 "The Intentional Life", he wrote: If you happen to be responsible for an aircraft and its passengers, you will do well to pay close attention to those instruments [on the dashboard]. Ignoring them would be insane. In some emergency situations, the pilot will find it necesary to change flight plans and land at a secondary airport. Yes, a central concern is certainly getting from Point A to Point B in a timely fashion, but the lives and safety of those on board are more important. A pilot understands this more than anyone else.

This book is for anyone facing imminent burnout, experiencing burnout or celebrating a commitment towards a balanced life.

Where you can get it: S$20.50 SKS Books ISBN978-0-310-27593-0 [published 2009]
Level of impact: Immediate; finished the book in 5 days
Timing of book: The day I got this book, a friend counselled, "Now that you know the problem, you need to do something about it." This book gave me the courage to do just that! For anyone who feels headed for the wall and living on analgesics, take heed the warnings in this book and get back your life.

Everyday Negotiation by Deboral M. Kolb & Judith Williams

Named as one of the Ten Best Books of 2000 by Harvard Business Review, this book is for two groups of people.

One group comprises of those who have the propensity to see negotiation not as a synonym for manipulation but as a process of discovering and leveraging on commonalities for win-win relationships of any kind. Originally titled 'The Shadow Negotiation: How Women Can Master the Hidden Agendas That Determine Bargaining Success' to draw women readers, this second edition is titled 'Everyday Negotiation' and recognises that the insights of women highlighted in the book are gems for men as well.

The other group includes anyone who feel that negotiation is a buzzword for the power-hungry and those apathetic to helpless ordinary folks. They feel they are the voiceless ordinary folks. If you belong to this group, this book will empower your as an advocate for the ordinary folks. Soon, you will find there is no such thing as helpless or voiceless ordinary folks. Everyone is in fact engaged in negotiation in one way or another; in open or insidious ways, with clear expressions or non-verbal cues.

Case studies are used throughout this book that make for enjoyable reading.

One thought summary: After reading a copy of this book from the library, I knew I had to have it for myself. As one who is often impregnated with the discontentment that precedes changes within myself, and around me, I enjoy the good outcomes of change but dread the discipline and time required to see it come through. Yet, changes are born of good negotiations where two parties eventually form a more positive sum of values. This book is real in that it does not have one-size-fits-all formulas, but sound principles that make the most important change possible: the change in ourselves.

Where you can get it: Kinokuniya S$35.00; National Library
Level of impact: Reduces frustrations, improves relations when I refuse to see people at the negotation table as 'for me or against me' proponents.
Timing of book: Being conflict-averse, I was drawn to the chapter titled 'Negotiating Change'.

The LOST ART of Disciple Making by Leroy Eims

At a time I was watching people (myself included) choose from a catalogue of things considered 'meaningful', 'important', or 'necessary' in relation to helping others, I wondered how far along the maze of life and how near towards fulfillment we are actually leading people. Not every activity exerted in a maze is fruitful when you see the big picture; most are merely expenditure of time.

Perhaps the imagery of being lost in a maze drew me to the title 'The Lost Art ...'. I was drawn to our basic calling as believers: to make disciples of all nations. It reminds me of good old classics like 'The Character of the Lord's Worker' [previously called 'The Normal Christian Worker'] by Watchman Nee. In the Christiandom of feed me, love me, give me, too few are saying let me, send me, use me. This is a book for those interested to reproduce their lives in Christ in the lives of others around them in a way likened to passing the baton.

On page 28, Leroy wrote that when Jesus said 'It is finished' (John 19:30), He was not referring to the multitude He healed, the miracle food for the masses, the deliverance of the demonized, or the thousands He touched, but the twelve men He discipled. I like it when he wrote that His life on the Cross He gave to millions, but His life on earth, He gave to twelve. He warned that we have only so much emotional reserve, spiritual and emotional capacity that it will be foolhardy not to take stock of who we spend time with doing what - with the big picture in mind. 'A common mistake is to try to do too much, too quickly, and with too many.'

This kind of gives me the picture of a chef who keeps running out of the kitchen to attend to the emotional or physical needs of the diners and losing sight on the purpose of the restaurant just because the needs of the diners seem more pressing and urgent. This does not mean that the chef should not care for the diners in his establishment but that he needs to be wise to know that he cannot meet all of everyone's needs.

The appendix contains extensive practical guidelines on how to build up someone in evangelism, meditating on the Word, prayer, reading the Word, Christian fellowship, etc. But the chapters I enjoy are 'the Workers Are Still Few' that describes the characteristics of potential workers, 'How to Develop Workers' that includes the wrong attitudes some disciple makers have of exclusivity over their disciples that stunt the growth of those they develop, 'The Need for Leadership' which identifies the qualities of a potential leader, and issues the warning that if you accumulate a bunch of hangers-on, the good people will leave you, and 'How to Train Leaders'.

This book reference leaders as those who multiply themselves into others through making disciples.

Where you can get it: SKS Books S$15.50
Level of impact: Affirming
Timing of book: Energy when I need it!

CHEF'S Story - 27 Chefs Talk About What Got them into the Kitchen

I impulsively picked up this book at the NLB at a time when God was using a restaurant scene to elucidate the various stages of cell ministry. Prior to this food-related book, I struggled to read any books related in any way to food, except cookbooks (but then, you don't READ cookbooks; you refer). Food books from friends lie in my library unread.

This 2007 book (which also made it to TV in the US) is a compilation of the biographies of 27 accomplished chefs. By presenting the life stories of each chef, I see that what makes a restaurant successful (and there's no point talking about a successful kitchen if it's not for the restaurant to be successful!) - so what makes a restaurant successful hangs on the personhood of the chef. And how he treats people - those who train him and put pressure on him, those he works with in the kitchen, those in the front of the house, and the diners. Another way to put it would be - those who make him sweat, those who sweat with him, those who serve, and those who just consume. And these represent four categories of people in any ministry. If discipleship happens in the 'kitchen', you want to move people from the main entrance to the dining room to the kitchen so that they can produce food that serve others who come later!

Leadership from a chef's perspective is one that holds everything together in the back of the house! They are leaders who hang around the grime of the kitchen rather than embrace the perpetual lime light in the front of the house. If you put on this lens, you will find this a powerful read...

Where you can get it: Kinokuniya S$30.06; NLB
Level of impact: Renewed my respect for successful chefs; has potential to cause younger ones to switch career aspiration. Good inference for leadership.
Timing of book:A time when I'm exploring the kitchen for leadership anecdotes.

Got the book: 24th February 2009

AXIOM by Bill Hybels

The first Bill Hybels' book I read years ago was 'The Contagious Christian' that profiles different types of contagious believers. This is another must-have-must-keep book for any serious growing Christian. I like what he says about seasoned leaders that they 'ought to be able to pinpoint their guiding principles on the important stuff of leadership and distill them down to memorable sound-bites that can be called upon at a second's notice to inform a critical decision.'  This basically describes the way he treats the principle in each chapter: like fine-dining, it draws you and you want more. But go too fast, and you forget what was the first dish.

It's written not like a book to be read but a conversation shared. It's like hearing the voice of one who trains you to see the big picture [broad strokes] that guides all the small things [finer strokes] you do. The end of every chapter also shows links to other chapters for further reading on similar issues. Again, you can't miss his broad stroke take on everything.

A book to read at the doctor's office, on the MRT, in the loo, while waiting for your coffee kaki to show up. And because each chapter is so short, you actually feel you've learnt something sitting around!

Where you can get it: SKS [around $20]
Level of impact: A view of the broad strokes of minstry
Timing: Impeccable